30 March 2008

examples of promos if i were to host Saturday Night Live.

[Amy Poehler stands alone with musical guest Feist in the foreground. As she speaks Nick rises slowly from below the shot, doing the elevator gag while staring at his watch.]

Hi, I'm Amy Poehler with this week's host, Nick Campbell, and musical guest Feist.
[pokes head out of imaginary car, looks around] This isn't my floor. [goes back inside car; pokes Amy in the back to push floor button and to close elevator doors]

[Nick stands with Tina Fey and a couple members from the group Death Cab for Cutie.]

Hi, I'm Nick Campbell, hosting SNL this week with musical guest Death Cab for Cutie.
I hear you think I'm a cutie.
[looking straight ahead at the camera] Bite me, Fey.


[Nick stands with Jorma Taccone.]

Hey, I'm Nick Campbell and I'll be hosting SNL this week with musical guest Foo Fighters -- and that's ka-blammy.
[deadpan] What happened to Ka-Blamo?
I mean Ka-blamo.
Good, that's better.

29 March 2008

an open letter to olivia munn.

Olivia --

While watching a recent episode of your program, a few questions came to mind that hopefully you can answer for me.

  1. Come clean, Munn. I know it's not widely acceptable for females in Hollywood to say in the open whether or not they've had work done to their appearance but it's time you dealt us the truth. Do you have robot eyes? Don't deny it.
  2. Are you afraid someone is going to paste your face over someone else's body and try to pass it off as you -- like the next time you look up "Two Girls One Cup" you'll see a video of you doing work on a mug?
  3. Does the behind-the-scenes activity on your set play out more like Sports Night, Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip or West Wing?
  4. Are you as bored as I am during the "In Your Pants" segments? I'm not sure what I expect for those pieces but with the build-up, everyone saying girls are going in my pants throughout your broadcast and then the the intro with a young woman moaning I always feel deflated when it's just about a guy being disinterested in his partners. It seems like a lot of hype. Take a page from Sue Johanson's book or read Regina Lynn's columns and explore Nerd Sex a little more. Teledildonics is fast-growing field.
  5. G4 employs a great many good-looking women as hosts and your show awkwardly tries to squeeze in as many segments as possible featuring half-naked models. Do you feel the reason for this is to balance out the scary folk showing up on Cops and Cheaters (aka the other 85% of programming on your network)?
  6. Who would win in a decathlon of host duties: Kevin Pereira or Joel McHale (there will be a physical challenge involved -- much like Double Dare)?

Thank you for your time, your patience and your understanding. I hope you'll take some of my suggestions to heart. I'm telling you: teledildonics. It's like sex without all that bothersome 'leaving the house' nonsense.

26 March 2008

(pt 10)


[Inside the restuarant Rob works at after close, the first shoot is being set up. Squibs oversees Ryan and Sam setting up the equipment and cheap lighting equipment while David goes over lines with Kyle and Beth, both of whom are dressed with matching uniforms and waist aprons. Rob talks to a large part of his fellow staff who are acting as extras.]

First of all, thanks for sticking around after close for everyone that worked tonight. I know you guys are all tired and probably smell a little bit like onion rings but, since most of you work for $2.15 an hour, you guys are used to being cheap labor.

[Everyone laughs. Rob picks up a small bulletin board with pieces of scrap paper pinned to it.]

This is what we have to accomplish. We're going to attempt to get through these tonight. They're all really easy scenes, mostly just dialog between Beth and Kyle, and we're going to get some B roll to fill in and then you're free to go. I'd also like to thank you guys still working in the kitchen to make some food for everyone. You guys are superstars. We'll start up in just a few minutes.

[He puts the board down and walks toward Squibs, who gives him a thumbs up, and David, who does the same. David and Rob sit down in chairs near the camera.

Okay, let's rehearse it a couple times first, then we'll shoot it. Whenever you're ready, Beth, you start.

[She takes a breath and walks over toward Kyle. Sam practices the movements by panning with her. Kyle and Beth start their scene.]

[whispering] We totally cast the right girl, didn't we?
I think so.
Any girl that can work a black cotten tee like that is the right girl for the part.
[smiling] Pay attention, man
Seriously, she's looking foxy.
I know. I'm trying to listen.
[after a brief pause] Do you think we should put in some different shoes. Like some strappy sandals or something?
There's no way anyone working in a place like this would be serving tables in strappy sandals. You want to be comfortable if you're going to be on your feet all the time.
What about those athletic sandals? And, ooh, capri pants! Or, like yoga pants or something.
That's like the worst combination ever. She's not lounging around the house. What are you talking about?
All right, all right. I just want it to be perfect.
By putting her in give-ups? Why not just have her in sweats?
Because that wouldn't be as hot --
What? I don-- oh my God. It's a foot thing, isn't it? You want her to show off her ankles?
Who would it hurt?
Me. You hurt me. I know too much about you now.
[loudly to interrupt their whispering] Guys!
How was that?
I'm sorry, let's run through it again real quick because Jabberjaw over here was flapping his gums.
My gums do not flap.
Sorry. Let's take it again. [to Squibs] How did it look?
Good. It looked good.

[Beth and Kyle take their marks again as Sam resets the camera to its initial position. They wait for a cue.]

[to David] You got anything else for me?

[David doesn't respond. Rob turns back to Beth.]

Whenever you're ready, sweetheart.

[The scene rehearsal starts again. Just as it's getting underway Rob and David hear something behind them from the crowd of waitstaff. They turn around and see Sara, dressed in a tank top, a hoodie and jeans, talking to some of the people, friends of hers through Rob. Rob gets up, taps David to pay attention to the scene, then walks over to his girlfriend.]

[whispering] Hey, you. Decided to swing by and watch?
Actually, you forgot your keys. I would not have been pleased to have to let in in the middle of the night.
You would probably have just left me out there.
Nah. I'd think about it for a few seconds. But then I'd eventually get up.

[They smile then kiss. Ryan, holding the boom, frees up one hand to slap Sam in the shoulder. Sam looks up from the lens.]

[whispering] Gah. What?
Check that out.
What? [looks back at Rob and Sara] Oh, who is that?
I think that's Rob's girlfriend.
What? How did Rob pull ass like that?
Hey, that's my sister.
Rob is doing it with your sister?
Ugh, do you have to put it like that?
Are they together together? Or is she dating other people?
Are you trying to hook up with my sister?
[slapping Sam on the arm] Hey, pay attention.

[They go back to their jobs in silence for a few beats.]

But growing up you've had to walk in on her in the shower or something at least once. How does she look naked?
What is wrong with you?

[David turns back to Kyle and Beth who are waiting, arms crossed. Rob goes back to sit in his seat.]

Sorry about that guys. So, how was it, David?
Um, I, uh -- [leans over to Rob] So heels would be way over the top, right?
One more time, guys, sorry.

[With a sigh, Beth and Kyle take their marks again and Sam resets the camera. Rob nods and the scene begins again. Outside of Kyle and Beth there is silence for a few moments.]

So what's the story with you and that girl over there? Are you guys serious?
[in a normal tone] Excuse me?
Hey, are you guys going to pay attention or am I doing this because I hate sleep? Because I don't. I would rather be sleeping at 2am.
[walks from behind the camera toward the actors] Okay, Beth, you cheat that way a little bit. Make sure of where you are in regards to the camera. Kyle, when you're talking to her try not to sound too smooth. You're being smooth but you have no idea that you are. Beth: you're doing great. Keep it up, okay? We're shooting for real this time. Quiet, everyone.

[She nods and he walks back toward the camera, looking at Rob and David.]

You two: get your lives together.
[after a couple stunned beats] Okay. Places. Here we go.


20 March 2008

(pt 9)


[Squibs, Rob and Beth Austin sit in Squibs's living room joined by two other men: a tall young man of medium build and classicly handsome features named KYLE and another man, fit and with a larger frame, named VICTOR. They sit facing each other in stools and chairs in a semi-circle around the couch. There is a long awkward silence. Finally the phone rings to break quiet and Rob picks it up almost immediately.]

ROB: Where are you?

[David is driving, phone to his ear.]

DAVID: How'd you know it was me?
ROB: Where. Are you.
DAVID: I'm passing by the Dunkin Donuts now. I'll be there in a couple minutes.
ROB: You know we're all sitting here staring at each other, waiting on you.
DAVID: Who's there right now?
ROB: Everyone. Me and Squibs. Vicks and Kyle. Beth has been here for almost forty-five minutes now.
DAVID: Oh really? Didn't we say 11?
ROB: 10.
DAVID: Are you sure?
ROB: Everyone else got here by 10.
DAVID: Because I could have sworn --
SQUIBS: [whispering] Where is he?
ROB: [mouths "Close" to Squibs; then speaks aloud to David] 10, dude. We said 10.
DAVID: 11. Well, I'm almost there so I'll see you momentarily. [As David goes through a green light, sounds from the crosswalk signals pierce the air to aid the visually-impaired in crossing the street.]
ROB: Wait, are those the chirps from the crosswalks? Are you still downtown?
DAVID: Well, yeah, but I'm almost --
ROB: Come on, man!
DAVID: It's not that big a WHOA!

[David swerves then quickly corrects himself, the sound of a car horn blaring from a growing distance.]

DAVID: I almost just got into a car accident.
ROB: That's great.
DAVID: And it wouldn't have even been a cool one. It was one that was easily preventable. That was lame. I'm going to get off the phone.
ROB: Get here faster. [hangs up the phone; to everyone else] He'll be here shortly. Sorry for the wait.
KYLE: [after another awkward pause] So your name is Beth?
BETH: Yeah, I'm sorry, I didn't catch your name the first time.
KYLE: Oh, Kyle. Kyle Wedge.
BETH: [to herself] Kyle. Kyle Wedge. [then to him] Nice to meet you.
KYLE: You, too. Have you ever done anything like this before?
BETH: No, not really. I mean I've done plays at school and things like that but never a movie. Have you?
KYLE: I've worked with these guys before on some smaller things.
BETH: Oh. Okay. And you're playing --
KYLE: I'm playing not the fiancee.
BETH: Oh. So I guess you and I are about to get a lot closer then, right?
KYLE: [laughs] Yeah, I guess so.
VICTOR: I'm Victor by the way.
BETH: I know.
ROB: All right we're going to start up without David. Sorry to keep you guys waiting. So, what you have in your hand is a vast majority of the script. We're still working on some details with the ending.
SQUIBS: [to Rob] Do you really hate the idea of her being married the whole time?
ROB: It's too much. We can talk about it later. Let's do a table read. You know, minus the table.

[Everyone laughs lightly and readies their scripts. Rob starts to flip through.]

ROB: Did you all have a chance to go through at least some of it? [everyone makes some signal of affirmation] What'd you guys think?
KYLE: It's certainly different.
ROB: Than our other stuff? I know. We thought we'd try to make something people actually liked for once.
VICTOR: So, pretty much, the fiancee is not really in most of it.
ROB: He's here and there. We've got some web cam sequences where you're talking to Beth from overseas. You're around in the beginning and you'll probably be present a lot more in the end, depending on what ending we decide on.
SQUIBS: Possibly even married the whole time.
ROB: Not that. [turns to Beth] Okay, Beth: what did you think?
BETH: I thought it was good. I read the sex scenes. I thought they were really hot.
ROB: Yeah, David wrote those. They really have to be perfect.
BETH: [to Kyle] Oh, so no pressure or anything, right?
KYLE: Right?
ROB: We know we picked the right people for this so we're not worried. The real question is are you comfortable with them?
KYLE: Me? I'm great.
ROB: Not you, goofus.
BETH: I'm fine with them. They seem tasteful and, like I said, really hot.
ROB: Great. Good. That's really good. Okay, you guys want to get started reading?
KYLE: Is there a place you want us to pick up from?
ROB: Um, yeah. Let's start early on. There are a couple scenes I want to see -- if they work or not. Let's go to page twenty: the first time Beth goes to Kyle's house. I want to see how this scene juxtaposes with the proposal scene later.
KYLE: Okay. Should I just start with "Here it is?"
ROB: Yeah, sounds great.
KYLE: All right.

[Kyle gives Beth a small nod and she nods back. Their voices transform into performance type: louder, clearer, more articulate and with emotion.]

KYLE: Well, here it is.
BETH: Wow, it's huge.
KYLE: Yeah, I got a little scared the first time I walked in here.
BETH: It's also ... you can tell a bunch of guys live here.
KYLE: Yeah, I just have no idea what to do with the space. I can't decide on anything.
BETH: Just needs a woman's touch is all.
KYLE: Something like that. So -- do you want the tour?
BETH: Sure.
KYLE: I mean, you can basically see everything already. Up these stairs is the kitchen and my roommate's bedroom. The living room is down here and the bathroom is right over there. My other roommate's bedroom is right here and up those stairs is my bedroom.
BETH: Can I take a look?
KYLE: Um, yeah, sure, of course.
ROB: They go upstairs. Kyle doesn't even have a door and two of his walls are actually large pieces of plywood nailed to a 2x4 frame so they can stand freely on the floor. Otherwise the room is neatly kept with a queen-sized bed, a computer desk and modern furniture.
BETH: Do you not have walls?
KYLE: This is actually just supposed to be like lofted extra space or something. Someday I hope I'll have walls.
BETH: What do you do for privacy?
KYLE: Oh, I don't mind really. It's not like I have anthing to hide.
BETH: Oh really?
KYLE: Yeah, it's pretty much a one-man show up here.
ROB: There is a small pause after Kyle's self-deprecating joke. He puts his hand on his stomach.
KYLE: Are you hungry? I'm starving.
BETH: Well, I --
ROB: Oh, am I keeping you from something? Sorry about tha--
BETH: Oh, no no. I just, you know, have this boyfriend that's supposed to be coming into town this weekend and I should be getting home and clean or something, I guess.
KYLE: Oh, I didn't know you had a boyfriend.
BETH: Yeah, well, I think I might be breaking up with him soon.
KYLE: Oh, really? That's too bad.
BETH: I guess that depends on how you look at it.

[Rob and Squibs laugh to themselves. The two break character as Rob interrupts them.]

ROB: Great. That was really cool. I think we just need to make sure that she's being flirty and he is kind of clumsily catching on. This guy really isn't all that smooth and doesn't totally realize that she's hitting on him.
BETH: Even though she came up to his bedroom and is talking about breaking up with her boyfriend?
ROB: Do you think that he should catch on?
BETH: I don't know. Is he that dumb?
ROB: We're going to say yes.
KYLE: He's not a stupid guy though.
ROB: No, just, you know, oblivious to this kind of thing.
KYLE: Okay cool.
ROB: All right, let's move on to the proposal scene. Rainy in the park on Valentine's Day.
BETH: So cheesy.
ROB: That's the point. He's romantic but in a very conventional way.
SQUIBS: He's just like a guy's guy and he's doing what he thinks he's supposed to do. Valentine's Day equals romantic.
ROB: Right. So, Vicks, if you want to pick it up as they're walking along the park path.
VICTOR: Yeah, all right.

[Victor clears his throat and straightens his back, slightly poking his chest out. David comes in sometime during their dialogue.]

VICTOR: Well, at least it's stopped raining for a little bit.
BETH: Yeah. You know we could have just stayed at home. We didn't have to go out for a walk today.
VICTOR: I really wanted to get out into the open for a bit.
BETH: You don't think they'll have open space at the base?
VICTOR: Not like this. Not with you.
BETH: Aww.
VICTOR: I'm going to miss you, Beth. I'm going to worry about you all the time.
BETH: You're going to worry about me? I should be worried about you. You're the one travelling to a foreign country.
VICTOR: I know, but, you're going to be here all alone. I'm always going to be wondering what you're doing.
BETH: That's sweet.
ROB: Victor stops and looks onto one of the hills.
VICTOR: Hey, isn't that the spot you like so much?
BETH: Yeah, my little tree.
VICTOR: You want to go up there?
BETH: It's a little muddy I think.
VICTOR: No, come on. It'll be fun. You can get a little dirty.
ROB: Victor all but pulls Beth behind him as he races into the muddy grass and up the hill to the tree. At some point, Beth lets go of his hand as she tries to tread lightly through the wet grass and muck as to not splash herself with wet dirt. She meets Victor up there, who suddenly looks nervous.
BETH: What's going on?
VICTOR: You know that I love you, right?
BETH: Yeah?
VICTOR: And me being shipped off is not my decision.
BETH: You did join the Army.
VICTOR: But, you know --
BETH: I know, I know.
VICTOR: I want to spend all my time with you, all the time. And, hopefully, you'll want to make a life with me.
BETH: Vick, what's --?
VICTOR: Beth --
ROB: He falls to one knee with a squish.
VICTOR: -- will you marry me?
BETH: Oh, Vick.
VICTOR: It doesn't have to be right now. Although if you wanted it to be right now I think we could do it in the next couple of weeks before I leave. But we can wait for me to come back or you can come out and live with me or I don't know. I just want to be with you.
ROB: Beth looks down at the work shirt she's wearing, sporting the logo of the company at which she works with her new friend Kyle. She hesitates for a moment before looking back into his eyes. She's never been able to say no to him.
BETH: Yes, Vick. Of course I'll marry you.

[David hits Squibs on the arms.]

DAVID: You snuck in that line about being able to get married before he ships out.
SQUIBS: So sue me. I think it's a good idea.
DAVID: It's not going to happen. It's ridiculous. Who does that?
SQUIBS: People do it.
ROB: What'd you guys think of those scenes? Do you think they work well together? Does one seem far-fetched because of the other?
BETH: I think it's fine. I mean, when they're talking on the phone earlier you can tell that Victor has this power of her. So, like, even if she didn't want to get married she probably would because she can't say no.
ROB: Good, good. Okay. Well, I know that you have to get to work by 11:30 Vicks so I guess we'll just do a couple more scenes and then wrap it up for today. I think we should all thank Mr Ten O'Clock here for showing up.
DAVID: 11. Sorry for getting here after you guys. It sounds great. I think we're only going to do one more of these before we start shooting next week so if there are any scenes you guys have questions with or anything, let's try to work them out before we start rolling.
SQUIBS: But, real quick, by a show of hands, who thinks the idea of her getting married and being married the whole time is an awesome plot twist.
DAVID: No one, Squibs. No one. Just stop it. You're embarrassing yourself.
ROB: All right, let's go to the first web cam scene.


16 March 2008

on being a schmuck.

I saw this thread on Lifehacker about being a good tipper and have to say I'm pretty embarrassed about the tipping habits listed in the comments.

20% is minimum. It's also a lot easier to calculate. If you're going the extra mile to figure out 15% (Divide the bill by 10 and then divide that amount by 2, then add them together) you are a schmuck. Just divide the bill by 10 and double it. Include drinks (they were served to you, weren't they?). Include tax (what's it going to do, bump your tip up a a dollar?). And round up for crissake.

By tipping less all you're doing is making the wait server mad. It's not constructive criticism. You just look like a schmuck that doesn't know how to tip. If you really have bad service and you can't give the server the benefit of the doubt (busy night, training, close relative passed away that morning), talk to the server or, if necessary, talk to the manager. Granted, I probably would never do this but poor tipping says nothing but "I'm cheap."

I pretty much adhere to this for everyone in the service industry when I'm tipping on top of a bill/fare. Attendants, carry out people, hotel service I can see tipping three, four, five dollars (depending on the estblishment) but restaurant service is 20% at least.

Also: If you split the check between people with cash and people with cards and play the "take the cash out, put the rest on the card(s)" game, make sure the people with cards tip on the WHOLE BILL. If it's one person, they should be tipping on the whole bill for everyone. If it's more than one person filling out receipts, make sure they collectively write enough tip in for the person to be paid properly. I'm told that whenever a server hears "take the cash out, put the rest on the card" they know they're getting a terrible tip due to confusion.

15 March 2008

tornado ... or the cloverfield?

I was on the East/West line, right at Georgia State station somewhere between 9:30 and 10:00 last night. The train stopped just after leaving the platform and the announcer came over the loudspeaker. "Ladies and gentlemen, a tornado has just touched down in the area. We have to clear the tracks before continuing." Immediately, all of my fellow passengers got up to a window to look out. I was skeptical. My entire life, my mom, a woman who has claimed to live through many tornados in her time, always told me they sounded like trains rumbling across the ground. I couldn't really hear a sound outside of the car so I assumed there was a better chance of the Cloverfield monster attacking Atlanta than a tornado. After taking a quick glance out the window, I went back to reading my book.

We were just outside of Grady Hospital and the scene on the highway was of flashing blue and red lights. The rest was darkness.

The train started and stopped several times, presumably to allow people to clear off more of the track. A ride that usually takes five minutes took twenty before reaching Inman Park Station. Many of the buildings on the south side of the track I don't know very well, and a lot of it is a train yard. But between King Memorial and Inman Park is a building that I'm very familiar with (since it's right near my house): the Fulton Cotton Mill Lofts. People started to gasp as we passed it and I saw a corner of the building completely collapsed. Everyone kept asking what building it was so they could tell the people at the other ends of their phone conversations what was wrecked.

I was still convinced it was wind damage. I walked home in the rain through a dark Inman Park. People were standing outside Shawn's as if they were going to wait out the storm and still make their reservations. Streetlights were off, lightning flashed through the sky and only the faint flicker of candles coming from windows let me know that I wasn't in Omega Man. Otherwise it seemed like a normal storm: the rain fell moderately, the wind wasn't bad at all and I couldn't see any other structural damage. I called Katie and told her to pick up candles on the way home (they brought back birthday candles -- there was an understandable run on regular candles).

Power came back the next morning and I figured everything was okay. My mom called me worried but I figured that was just my mom. But then other people started asking me if everything was all right. I didn't understand why until I left to go to the school library.

Auburn Ave, closer to downtown, is a disaster. Condemned buildings are collapsed, telephone/electricity poles are snapped in half, no one could travel down any road continuously due to closures. Every park I passed smelled like wood chips, many of the trees releasing their characteristic odor from their collective injuries. Rubble from buildings spilled into the streets. When I got to downtown I saw what most of the news agencies were talking about: windows from any building higher than four or five stories were knocked out, the glass from the Georgia-Pacific Plaza hanging precariously from some; debris covered sidewalks not along the main Peachtree St drag; parts of buildings looked imploded. That's when I realized it really was a tornado. I took pictures of some of the things I saw with my camera phone, including some idiot pacing the street the phone wearing a green top hat and green beads (for the obviously cancelled St Patrick's Day Parade). That's when I realized something else.

I wasn't alone in taking pictures. People walked up and down the streets with cameras, both professional and amateur, snapping pictures of bent sign posts, twisted streetlights and smashed windows. Last I heard (or read) no one was seriously injured but there is a more subtle tragedy. I have never seen people more interested in downtown than I have today. People were strolling down sidewalks, pointing out the broken pieces from last night. I have never seen so many people outside, excitedly looking around the city. Which means the event where I've seen people the most excited to see Atlanta is when it has been physically injured and people can have a taste of its destruction.

13 March 2008

(pt 8)


[Donna sits down in front of the camera and it is readjusted to frame her properly. She smiles into the lens and looks off camera whenever someone talks to her. She smiles brightly and laughs a little.]

DONNA: So, do I --
DAVID: Just say your name.
DONNA: Hi, I'm Donna Widmore. Um, should I read the part?
DAVID: Uh, yeah, sure. Let me introduce to you everyone real quick. The guys behind the camera are Ryan and Sam. This is Jake Squibs, he's our director of cinematography. This is Rob, he'll be reading with you today and my name is David. Rob and I are co-directing.
DONNA: Hey, nice to meet you all.
DAVID: Okay, so, I guess, take it away.
ROB: All right, are you ready?
DONNA: Definitely.
ROB: Great.

[Donna clears her throat and looks over the script one last time, her face turning serious before looking at Rob.]

ROB: I don't understand why you're so upsest.
DONNA: I just need ROMANCE. I just want a guy to show me he loves me everyday. I don't need diamonds or anything. Just flowers or a note or something to tell me that I'm SPECIAL.
ROB: And he doesn't do that for you?
DONNA: It's the same with every relationship. Things start off great but then it tapers off until I don't get anything anymore. I just want to feel APPRECIATED. Do you think you can DO that? Do you think you can show me you love me EVERY DAY?
ROB: I think I can.
DONNA: Are you sure?
ROB: You just have to give this a shot, you know? But I think I can.
DONNA: I want to BELIEVE that you can. Can I BELIEVE it?
ROB: I can try real hard.
DONNA: [collapsing into a normal composure; smiling] How was that?
DAVID: Very, very nice. Thank you so much.

[A new girl sits in front of the camera and looks into the lens. She looks a lot more nervous.]

DAVID: Okay, just state your name.
FIORAIA: Um, right now?
DAVID: Yeah we're roll--
FIORAIA: Fioraia Nadia.
DAVID: Okay. Are you ready with your part.
FIORAIA: I actually prepared a song and dance.
DAVID: Oh-kay but we don't have room for that. Just read the part on the page and you'll be f--
FIORAIA: I thought there'd be a piano or something. I brought sheet music.
DAVID: This isn't a musical.
FIORAIA: It's from Les Miserables.

[Another girl sits in front of the camera, reading the sheet as she seats herself. She looks over at David.]

DAVID: Say your name please.
CONNIE: Connie Regina. So is this girl a bitch?
DAVID: What? No.
CONNIE: It just kind of seems like she's spoiled or you know --
DAVID: She's just young. Her expectations are really high, that's all.
CONNIE: Seems like her head's infected with too many movies.
DAVID: Go with that. Rob's going to be reading with you here. Whenever you guys are ready.
ROB: You ready?
CONNIE: [takes a breath]> Okay.
ROB: I don't understand why you're so upset.
CONNIE: I just need -- ROMANCE. I just want a GUY to show me he actually LOVES me. Everyday. I don't need diamonds. Just FLOWERS or a NOTE or SOMETHING. To tell me that I'm special.
>ROB: And he doesn't do that for you?
CONNIE: Oh -- it's the same with every relationship. Things start off great but then -- then it tapers off. Until I don't get -- anything -- anymore. I just want to feel -- I want to feel APPRECIATED. Do YOU think you can DO that? Do you? Do you think -- you can show me you love me -- show me EVERY DAY?
ROB: I think I can.
CONNIE: [her eyes well up a little] Are you sure?
ROB: You just have to give this a shot, you know? But I think I can.
CONNIE: I really want to BELIEVE that you can. Can I BELIEVE it?
ROB: I can --
CONNIE: SHOULD I -- believe it?
ROB: I can try real hard.
CONNIE: [looking down at the page again] And you're sure she's not supposed to be a bitch?

[A striking young woman sits in front of the camera, fixes her hair and looks directly into the lens.]

DAVID: State your name.
BETH: Beth Austin [she smirks]

[Later that evening, Squibs, Rob and David are watching the auditions at Rob's house. David pauses on Beth's face and points at the screen.]

DAVID: That's her right there.
ROB: Are you sure?
DAVID: Am I sure? You guys saw her. She has got everything. She's hot, she read well --
ROB: Some people read better.
DAVID: But they didn't look as good as she does. I mean, look at her. She makes me want to make sweet love to the television. I'm not even sure I can contain myself.

[David gets up and walks toward the television, unzipping his pants. Squibs and Rob laugh. David turns just before getting to the TV.]

DAVID: But you see what I mean. She looks great on camera.
SQUIBS: She does that.
DAVID: And she read well enough to make the script work.
ROB: Connie really read it well though --
DAVID: Oh, please. Connie's a hag.
SQUIBS: I thought she was cute.
DAVID: Fugly. Hurts my eyes even to look at her.
ROB: That's a little much. Squibs is right: she's a cute girl.
DAVID: Cute isn't good enough. We need drop dead gorgeous. We need someone so hot it almost doesn't matter what she says. And then we deliver with her actually saying something. That's what we want.

[Sara comes out of the bathroom.]

SARA: You're fly's down.
DAVID: Oh, thanks. [zips up and moves out of the way]
SARA: Oh, she's hot.
ROB: She might be the lead in the movie.
SARA: Oh, yeah, you should totally get her to do it. She looks great on camera.
DAVID: What do you say guys?
SQUIBS: She does look good.
ROB: [sighs] All right.
ROB: We have our leading lady.
SQUIBS: Awesome.
ROB: We just need to finish the script now.
SARA: Worry about that tomorrow. You guys should celebrate with some pizza from downstairs.
ROB: So you're hungry then?
SARA: Yeah, a little bit.
ROB: All right. Squibs, you hungry?
SQUIBS: I'll come down for a slice.
ROB: You in?
DAVID: Yeah, I'm going.

[Everyone but David stands up and collects their wallets and keys. David gets up to shut down the display equipment and, whilie everyone is filing out of the place, David contemplates doing something different. He runs is hand over the TV, letting the static shock him. He unzips his pants a little bit before thinking better of it and walking away.]


06 March 2008

(pt 7)


[David and Squibs are sitting in a small university office, talking. Rob comes in during their elegant, refined conversation.]

SQUIBS: What about Olivia Munn?
DAVID: Olivia Munn is a stone cold fox. Don't get me wrong. I wouldn't push her out of bed. I might even pay top dollar just listen to her say the word "bed." I'm just saying there's something a little weird about her.
SQUIBS: That she's painfully attractive?
DAVID: It's her eyes, man. There's something not right.
ROB: What are you guys talking about?
SQUIBS: You know Olivia Munn? She hosts that show on G4?
ROB: Isn't that the video game channel?
ROB: No, I've never seen her.
SQUIBS: You've never watched it?
ROB: You must have confused me for a fourteen year old.
DAVID: Anyway, there's this girl on there --
SQUIBS: Woman.
DAVID: -- there's this chick on there who is, I have to admit, straight up foxy, but she has something weird going on.
ROB: Like a mole or goiter or something?
DAVID: Like she's dead behind the eyes.
ROB: Like she's dumb?
DAVID: Oh, is that what that means?
ROB: Well, what's behind the eyes that can be dead?
DAVID: Huh. Anyway, it's not that she's dumb or anything just -- she's got like a fixed stare or something. Like her eyes never change.
ROB: Like a robot?
DAVID: Yes! That's it! She's got robot eyes!
SQUIBS: No. What? Robot eyes?
DAVID: Don't deny it, Squibs. She's got the robot eyes. Never change, never move.
ROB: Maybe it's botox.
SQUIBS: I don't want to believe that.
DAVID: Yeah, I don't know. Botox? To host a show that features internet video of kids getting hit in the balls? It seems like too much work. No, I think she's got natural robot eyes.
ROB: You mean like Scarlett Johansson?
DAVID: [excited at the new revelation] Oh my God she totally does have robot eyes!
ROB: You've never noticed that?
DAVID: I see it now.
ROB: It's all a little too perfect with her: smart, the voice, the body. And then you look into those vacant eyes and realize that she's probably a robot.
DAVID: I can't believe I didn't pick up on that before!
SQUIBS: You guys are crazy. They are a couple of beautiful women, nothing wrong with them at all.
DAVID: Except they need RAM upgrades so they can make some expressions with their eyes.
SQUIBS: Like you're looking at their eyes anyway -- Jessica!

[Squibs stands up as JESSICA, a fellow doctoral candidate and instructor at the university, stands in the doorway, clipboard in hand. David looks up at her and then back at Squibs, mouthing the word "nice" to him. Squibs tries not to pay attention.]

SQUIBS: Everything good to go?
JESSICA: They're ready whenever you are. There are about fifteen girls out there. They all have the parts and are reading them over. Are you guys ready?
SQUIBS: Not quite yet.
ROB: We're waiting on the kids to come in with the camera.
JESSICA: Where are they?
SQUIBS: They're on their way.
JESSICA: Okay. Well, just give me a nod when you're ready. [she turns to walk and sees the camera crew come down the hallway] Speak of the devils. Ryan. Sam.

[RYAN and SAM rush in with a small camera and some sound equipment. Ryan, in sneakers, a wind-breaker and beat up college ball cap, is foiled in fashion by Sam, dressed in black loafers, khakis and a long-sleeve checked shirt. They begin setting up immediately.]

RYAN AND SAM: Hey, Professor Louis.
SQUIBS: What happened to you guys?
RYAN: We got stuck in traffic and then they had problems pulling the sound equipment for us.
SAM: Pulled a uni for us first then said they didn't have a shotgun for us. You remember that episode of Seinfeld where he's talking about the rental place not saving a car for him? It was like that. We reserved the mike but they said they gave them all away.
RYAN: It was pretty bad.
SAM: I was about to lose it with them.
SQUIBS: Who was running the equipment desk today?
SAM: Pat.
SQUIBS: He seems to have it together. Doesn't he?
RYAN: Yeah, but his heart just isn't in it, you know, doling out equipment all day I don't think.
SAM: Doesn't mean he can't do his job. I mean gah.
SQUIBS: Did you get the mike?
RYAN: Yeah, he found one finally.
SQUIBS: Okay, good. Oh. Rob, David -- this is Ryan and Sam. They'll be on the crew, probably for most of the shoot. There'll be a few others that come in and out but these two will be around for most of the days.
ROB: Great.
DAVID: Welcome aboard.
JESSICA: So, wait a couple minutes and send the first girl in?
SQUIBS: Please. And thank you again, Jessica, for helping out.
JESSICA: Oh, of course. Did the free-writing techniques I suggested help out?
SQUIBS: They did. Thank you.
DAVID: They were interesting.

[As Jessica looks at her clipboard, Squibs shoots David a dirty look. He shrugs back at him.]

JESSICA: Good, good. Okay, so the first girl that'll be sent in is -- Donna. Okay?
SQUIBS: Okay. [picks his clipboard off the desk and reads it] Donna Widmore?
JESSICA: That's the one.
SQUIBS: All right. Thanks again, Jessica.
JESSICA: It's no problem, Jake. [smiles and walks away]
SQUIBS: All right. You guys set up?
RYAN: [attaches mike to the camera] I think we're close.
SAM: Tape's in, power on, can you hear through the mike?
RYAN: [slips on headphones] Keep talking.
SAM: You know what annoys me most about that guy behind the counter? That he had the balls --
RYAN: Got it. You can stop talking now.
SQUIBS: Okay. I think we're ready.

[Squibs sits back down in his chair and Ryan and Sam sit on the edge of the desk. They all wait silently for the first audition. David waves Rob to lean in closer.]

DAVID: [quietly] Did I just say "welcome aboard" to these guys?
ROB: Like you were the captain of a fun ship.
DAVID: Where did that come from?

[DONNA comes through the door, script in hand. Everyone else in the room turns to her as she timidly at first steps into the office.]

DAVID: Donna?
DONNA: Yeah. Donna Widmore.
DAVID: My name is David. Nice to meet you. Why don't you take a seat over there for us?


number four.

For the past couple of days I've had a blog post planned out. It was going to be mushy, something about spending most of my life watching him helm my favorite team, going through a spectrum of emotions over the course of his career, feeling the sense of legend that has been passed around these last few years. I was going to talk about how I have so many mixed feelings: sadness for the departure of a familiar piece of my life, relief that someone so worthy of praise is going to leave the league on a high note (sort of -- not necessarily his last play but the season on a whole), anticipation to what the future of the franchise is without its franchise quarterback. I was watching when they took Majkowski out. I was watching those heart-breaking games against the stronger Cowboys. I teared up after that amazing Raiders game. I felt jubilation after the first Super Bowl win for my team in 29 years and emotionally-drained after each tough, season-ending defeat.

I had a lengthy blog post planned to talk about number 4 and how he has made me feel so much concentrated stress in the three hours I'd watch a game but equally made the game fun to watch and made it just that: a game. I had so much to say.

But I think NFL Network, ESPN and the rest have kissed his butt enough the last few days.

Thanks, Brett. You did good.