(pt 6)

[continued:]

[A week later, Rob walks up to David's apartment door and knocks but then quickly enters. David is sitting on the floor in the living room among several magazines. He is wearing only a t-shirt and boxers.]

ROB: Hey, man.
DAVID: [not even looking up from the page] Hey.
ROB: Are you going to get ready?
DAVID: Yeah, yeah ... in a second.
ROB: Because, you know we have to be at the school in like half an hour.
DAVID: Yeah, I know.

[There's a small pause. David stares at the magazine.]

ROB: So we should probably go now.
DAVID: Right.
ROB: So get up!
DAVID: Let me ask you your opinion about something.
ROB: Okay.
DAVID: Take a look at this girl.

[David shows Rob the picture in the magazine. He's looking at porn.]

ROB: Wow, that's a lot of vagina.
DAVID: Yeah, but look past that. Her eyes.
ROB: Did I just catch you in a moment?
DAVID: What?
ROB: You know, did I just catch you -- you know --
DAVID: Oh no, no, no. Well, maybe a little bit but nothing serious. I am sitting in a bunch of porn.
ROB: Why are you sitting around in a bunch of porn?
DAVID: Research, buddy.
ROB: For the movie?
DAVID: I want to have a clear vision of what I want before going down there.
ROB: And you're going to find it in these magazines?
DAVID: It'll help me get an idea.
ROB: [picks up a magazine and flips through it briefly] Unless your girl needs to be skilled in spreading her buttcheeks like this classy gal [shows the picture to David] I'm not sure you're going to find her in the pages of Juggs.
DAVID: Did you know that was a real magazine? I thought that was just in Married ... with Children.
ROB: I don't know if we really want a porn star look for the lead.
DAVID: But see, this is what we need. Someone that can be so hot you'll disgrace yourself to her but can still have a kind of warmth or normalness about her.
ROB: Normalness? These aren't space aliens, David.
DAVID: You know what I mean though. Someone that's extremely hot naked but still has a lot of character about her. Like something deeper.
ROB: So, what, you're flipping throgh porn mags to look at everyone's eyes?
DAVID: Sort of, yeah. I mean boobs aren't bad either but I'm -- I'm doing research.
ROB: Did you buy all of these as the same time?
DAVID: Yeah. In retrospect I probably should have spread it out over a couple of days.
ROB: You get some weird looks?
DAVID: Girl scouts were selling cookies in front of the store.
ROB: Oh no, not the kids.
DAVID: And one came inside for something or other, to go to the bathroom or something, looked right at me, then at the stack.
ROB: Did she say anything to you?
DAVID: "Why do you need so many?"
ROB: Shut up. Really? She knew what they were?
DAVID: I don't know. I mean, I was buying ten magazines. Maybe she thought they were just a bunch of Sports Illustrated or something but I felt like a monster.
ROB: A foot fetish magazine?
DAVID: Excuse me?
ROB: [bends down and picks up a magazine from the floor] A foot fetish magazine. I've never actually seen one of these in real life.
DAVID: Yeah.
ROB: All that's in here are feet. Were you looking for the perfect feet for her, too?
DAVID: Why I have this is neither here nor there. [takes magazine and tosses it aside, standing up]
ROB: Aw, gyah-- [turns his head away in disgust]
DAVID: We just have to make sure this girl --
ROB: Dude, hide the boner.
DAVID: Oh, sorry, man.
ROB: You have to stop obsessing over this one part. We've got three to cast today, mabe more depending on how we write the script. We have more than just this girl to pick.
DAVID: All right, all right.
ROB: And he's poking out again.
DAVID: Ah, jeez --
ROB: So go think about baseball and get dressed. Squibs is already down there with the crew.
DAVID: Okay.

[David heads for the bedroom but Rob puts his hand on his chest to stop him. Rob smiles.]

ROB: So feet, huh?
DAVID: More like calves.
ROB: Never would have guessed.
DAVID: And ankles.
ROB: Really? Ankles?
DAVID: At least it's not toes, right? [heads for the bedroom]
ROB: Yeah, like that's weirder than ankles.

[continued]

news roundup: 25 Feb 08.

News

• Muslim scholars decry terrorism [BBC News]
  Islam is not about suicide bombers and death to its enemies. Is this news?
Obama camp claims smear over turban photograph [The Guardian UK]
We have childish choices.
• New Marxist president seeks to quell Cypriots' economic fears [The Guardian UK]
  "Not in my wildest dreams did I ever think this island would turn red."
• Italy celebrates World Slow Day [ANSA.it]
  I pictured everyone actually walking slow-motion all day. That would be awesome.
• Too pretty to fly? [CNN.com Video]
  No. You're not.
• When is your favorite show coming back? [Chicago Tribune]
  Goodbye, Bionic Woman. May your desperate and painfully flagrant invoking of "grrl power" be silenced for good.
• FCC fines Fox stations for raunchy reality show [Reuters, via The Feed]
  How are the networks going to hint at nudity and profanity to the non-Puritan audience if we have to pixelate until the entire figure is unrecognizable or (gasp) cut the "offensive" material out?
• Israeli MP blames quakes on gays [BBC News]
  Laughable religious intolerance: it's not just for America anymore.

Old News

• US hails Hezbollah leader's death [BBC News]
  To me, this sounded a little immature for a country run by grown ups. Even if the world would be a better place, you don't have to come out and say it. That's not making any friends. Have we stopped believing in political capital?

Not News

In continuing the trend of making fun of the most popular comic strip tabby in the funnies, here is Garfield minus Garfield, a series of Garfield strips without Garfield in them, revealing Jon Arbuckle as the truly schizophrenic person he is (dude has conversations with a cat and feeds him lasagna).

the blur of awkward speeches.

I don't know why I never thought about this before. All these years of agonizing through the lengthy, embarrassing, melodramatic and, at times, boring ceremony, all I had to do was pause it for an hour, do some homework as I wait and fast forward through the parts that I don't want to watch. Three performances of songs from Enchanted? Zip. Awkward speeches? Zip. Painfully long montages? Zip. God bless you, modern breakthrough in "time-shifting."

We say hurray for: Diablo Cody (Best Original Screenplay, Juno), Javier Bardem (Best Supporting Actor, No Country for Old Men), and Marion Cotillard (Best Actress, La vie en rose). It was nice to see people honestly excited to win an Oscar.

I change the subject (ding!) to give you a tasty video (that won't resize properly for this blog). For Final Fantasy nerds from the old Super Nintendo days and who are equally unimpressed by Garfield comics, this, by Lasagna Cat, is freaking hilarious.

(pt 5)

[continued:]

[After turning the lights back on, the tribal flute music off and blowing the candles out, the three sit around together trying to come up with the story. Each sit with legal pads of notes in front of them.]

ROB: So what do we have?
DAVID: Well, let's go over the story again.
ROB: All right.
DAVID: So, we have a guy: decent-looking but shy who just got out of a long relationship. Then we have this drop-dead gorgeous girl who is trying isn't trying to get of her relationship but meets the guy and suddenly wants to get out.
ROB: Right.
DAVID: So the girl and the guy start to date, even though they are both fully aware that she is in a relationship. She ends up, because she can't break it to her boyfriend, getting engaged --
ROB: See, this is where you lose me a little bit. We're supposed to believe that even though she's messing around with this guy she's going to say yes to a marriage proposal?
DAVID: You don't think it could happen?
ROB: It doesn't sound logical to me.
SQUIBS: Well, it doesn't have to seem realistic to us. I mean, that's our job, right? Set up the situation so it make senses to everyone else?
ROB: Yeah, I guess. So the girl and the guy stay together.
DAVID: Right, they stay together. The boyfriend, now fiancee, ships out overseas for like a year or six months or something.
ROB: So he's gone.
DAVID: Which gives the boy and the girl time to get to know each other better.
SQUIBS: And they're really hesitant at first.
DAVID: Yeah, really hesistant but eventually they just can't get enough of each other and so ensues the relationship.
ROB: And the eventual choice.
DAVID: Yes. So, any moments you guys come up with?
ROB: Okay, I got this image of, like, the first time they see each other after she gets engaged. Like an uncomfortable lunch where they call it quits.
DAVID: Okay.
ROB: Something that seems clearcut, like it's really the end. Like, "We can't see each other anymore." Nothing drawn out. But then when they walk away they realize they can't do it.
DAVID: Okay, that's decent.
ROB: What do you have?
DAVID: I have this fight sequence planned out when they finally meet, the boy and the fiancee.
ROB: Oh yeah?
DAVID: Yeah, I figure it'll be something for the guys that end up seeing the movie. Just like a killer fight sequence.
SQUIBS: Like, with choreography?
DAVID: Well, I don't think it needs to be that intensive. Just, you know, two guys scrapping. I picture it in the rain or something. Water flying off the face.
SQUIBS: You want to try to shoot in the rain?
ROB: Also, you're pitting a guy in the military against a shy kid? He's going to get pummeled.
DAVID: Maybe that's the point, you know? Maybe the guy gets knocked out. Build some sympathy.
ROB: But it's not going to be a fight sequence. I mean, the military guy would knock a regular dude with no combat experience out in, like, a second. Especially if the military guy is mad.
DAVID: Maybe the kid has some karate classes he's taking?
ROB: [after a short pause; turns to Squibs] What do you have, Squibs?
SQUIBS: Well, I thought about this for the ending: what if the girl turns out to actually be married at the end?
ROB: What?
DAVID: Please. What, is she also going to take off her mask and reveal she's really an alien, too?
SQUIBS: You guys don't like it?
ROB: I think the premise is unlikely as it is. That might put it over the top.
DAVID: We don't have to be M. Night Shyamalan for everything. I don't think we need a twist.
SQUIBS: Just a thought.
ROB: We'll keep it in our back pocket. So I guess we'll just keep writing?
DAVID: Yeah, based on the stuff we can agree on, let's just write a couple of scenes this week. Try not to make the dialogue too mushy. Let's make it reasonable.
ROB: Sounds good to me. What about casting? Who are we going to get on the cheap?
SQUIBS: The regulars I would imagine. Kyle sounds like a good choice for the lead. Victor is a pretty good size for the fiancee. But I don't know about the girl.
DAVID: I don't think we know anyone that'll fit the part as well as we'd like.
ROB: Or at least are willing to take their clothes off.
SQUIBS: Are we going to actually have to have auditions?
DAVID: Yeah, I guess so. How are we going to do this? Flyers? An ad?
ROB: [smiling] Is there a brothel in town?
DAVID: I think we can get legitimate actresses for this thing. We're going to write a solid script with a good opportunity to showcase some talent. Sure, there'll be some nudity and, yes, it may be gratutious --
ROB: Right.
DAVID: -- but it'll be tasteful. Squibs can frame it up and make it look like Dave LaChapelle was slumming it with us for a few days. Right, Squibs?
SQUIBS: I think I can make a hot naked girl look pretty.
DAVID: That's all I can ask. So we'll pull all this together, write some pages, maybe get your lady friend at school to help us organize the auditions, and we'll get the girls somewhere to test for us.
SQUIBS: Sounds good to me. By the way, the crew should be all together in the next couple of weeks after exams.
ROB: Awesome. Guys, we are really going to do this, aren't we?
DAVID: We really are. One week. Auditions for the female lead. I'll make up the flyers.
SQUIBS: I feel like we should all put our hands into the center and yell, "Go team!" or something.
ROB: We will never do that. [David concurs by shaking his head.]

[continued]

to grate against my being.

Serj Tankian, the worst part about System of a Down, has a solo album out? What for?

(pt 4)

[continued:]

[A few days later, David and Rob approach a first floor apartment. They have notebooks and Rob carries a laptop. As they come up to the door, the notice it open slightly.]

ROB: Is the door open?
DAVID: It is. It's dark inside.
ROB: Is Squibs even home?
DAVID: I'll call him real quick. [pulls out phone and dials number]
ROB: This is the time we were supposed to meet him, right?
DAVID: Yeah, he said five.
ROB: Maybe he's taking a shower or something and left the door open for us.
DAVID: Who leaves their door open while they take a shower?
ROB: So, what's the other option? Someone's casing the place?
DAVID: [closes phone] He's not picking up. Um, maybe. Maybe someone is.
ROB: Well, I don't see any forced entry.
DAVID: What are you? CSI? There are a million ways to get in here without having to break the door down. What if they used the Hide-A-Key?
ROB: [picking up the flower pot that hides the spare key] Still there.
DAVID: [whispering in a rasp] And keep your voice down! Did you ever think they put the key back after they were done?
ROB: [also whispering] Why are we whispering?
DAVID: So they can't hear us.
ROB: There's more than one robber?
DAVID: Probably two. They work in teams.
ROB: Do they also wear black and white stripes like the Hamburglar?
DAVID: I'm being serious here. We don't want them to hear us.
ROB: You're being ridiculous.
DAVID: Should we call the cops?
ROB: Do you think we should go inside?
DAVID: Not even a little bit. Wait, did you hear that?
ROB: Here what?
DAVID: That sound. I think I hear voices.

[They are silent for a moment and listen near the door for sounds.]

ROB: I hear some music I think.
DAVID: Music? No way. Those are voices. Listen, I'm going to go into the parking lot to call the cops. You stay here in case they come out.
ROB: What? You're going to leave me here to fend for myself against thugs while you run away?
DAVID: I'm not running away. I'm calling the police. Just shout if you need help.

[David goes to walk away but is stopped by a loud scraping sound. There is something attached to his foot.]

DAVID: What is it?
ROB: [pulls the note off David's shoe] It says, "Take off your shoes before you come in."
DAVID: Oh, that's right. He got new carpet.
ROB: Let's go, numbnuts.

[The two walk in and find Squibs in his living room, sitting on the floor, surrounded by pillows. The room is dimly lit and smells of fresh incense. Candles are scattered about the room not so much for light as for ambiance. In front of Squibs is a pile of supplies: a pile of printer paper, boxes of crayons and clipboards.]

ROB: Hey -- man.
DAVID: What is this?
SQIBBS: Trying something a little new. A colleague of mine does this with her students in her writing class.
DAVID: What's that music?
SQUIBS: Do you like it? It's Native American flute. I think it's kind of relaxing.
ROB: How do you have Native American flute music?
SQUIBS: She let me borrow the CD.
DAVID: Is she hot?
ROB: Where do you even get a CD of Native American flute music? And what are the crayons for?
SQUIBS: To write with.
ROB: With crayons.
SQIBBS: I just thought since we're trying something new we should try a new way of going about it.
DAVID: And her students just put up with writing in crayon for their higher level education?
SQUIBS: Just try it. Go ahead and put the laptop down and we'll get started. Just try it out. She swears by this.
ROB: Can't hurt I suppose.
DAVID: She'd better be hot.

[David and Rob put their stuff down and reluctantly sit on the floor among the pillows and writing supplies.]

SQIBBS: [in a soothing voice] Now, what we're going to do is try --
ROB: Whoa, whoa, whoa.
DAVID: Are you going to talk like that the whole time?
SQUIBS: Well, I have to try to keep up with the mood.
ROB: So we'd have to talk like that, too?
SQUIBS: We're trying not to to be jarring during the creative process.
DAVID: You've got to be kidding --
ROB: Now, come on, man. Let's try it out. Go with it.
SQUIBS: Thank you, Rob. Now let's continue. We're going to try some brainstorming exercises. Clear your minds. Allow yourselves to not think for a few seconds and then let's talk about the first image that comes to mind. David?
DAVID: [after a couple moments, sighs, then in soothing voice] Well, the first things I saw --

[Rob cracks up and David follows quickly as they break into laughter. Squibs is disappointed.]

ROB: [laughing] I'm sorry, Squibs.
DAVID: [also laughing] I'm not. That was real stupid!
SQUIBS: Come on, you guys. Really? You couldn't even hold it together for ten minutes?
ROB: Did you really expect us to write in crayon?
SQUIBS: Just as a change of pace, get you out of your normal routine.
DAVID: Then what? Were you going to hang our outlines on the refrigerator? [starts to laugh again]
SQUIBS: What a couple of classy guys you are.
ROB: Sorry, man.
DAVID: And where did you get all the candles from? Did you buy them all for tonight?
SQUIBS: No, I had them around.
DAVID: It smells like a Bath and Body Works exploded in here.
SQUIBS: -- Y-Yankee Candle Shop

[Rob chuckles as he pulls it together but David falls over laughing. Squibs smiles and then laughs a little, too.

SQUIBS: Yeah, she is hot.
DAVID: [stops laughing and sits up quickly, pointing] I knew it!

[continued]

why tv is awesome, pt 4.

(pt 3)

[continued:]

[Back in his apartment, Rob is talking with Sara as she does dishes and he cleans up the kitchen.]

ROB: So I wasn't entirely sure "the idea" was really so big. They told me what they wanted to do and, I mean, I guess it could work but it'll take a really rock solid script I'm not sure we're capable of writing.
SARA: What's it about?
ROB: It's about this guy who has just come out of a long-term relationship and falls for a girl he works with, only to find out she has a boyfriend.
SARA: Lame.
DAVID: [from the couch, not taking his eyes from the television] Wait.
ROB: The girl says she keeps wanting to break up with the boyfriend but ends up getting engaged because he's going to be shipped out in a few weeks.
SARA: And that's the end?
ROB: That's the beginning. Since the fiancee isn't in town, she still runs around with the other guy. The guy is really good to her and the fiancee is pretty was absent even before he shippeed out so they stay together and play house while he's gone. Then there's a pretty dramatic confrontation between the fiancee and the other guy near the end.
SARA: So it's about the struggle of this girl having to choose?
ROB: Right. Sort of. We want to do some of it from the guy's point of view, too.
SARA: So, question: why does the guy stay with a girl he knows is engaged with someone else?
ROB: I justify it like this: he just got out of a long relationship with another girl and is looking for something different and dangerous. Enter this girl. She's both different and dangerous. So he struggles a little bit, too, as he tries to reconcile being at her place and seeing pictures of the finacee everywhere and being in what is ostensibly a relationship with this girl.
SARA: Huh.
DAVID: I think you think too much. The reason why he sticks around is because of all the hot sex we're going to show he has.
ROB: Oh, and the hot sex. Almost forgot about that.
SARA: So, let me get this straight: you're going to make a movie about a girl who's engaged that has to choose between the man she promised herself to and the new man who may be perfect for her?
ROB: Pretty much.
SARA: [stops cleaning and smirks] Who's going to play the girl?
DAVID: Ppsh, not you.
ROB: You'd want to play the girl?
SARA: Sure, why not?
ROB: Well, there are a lot of scenes planned where the girl and the non-fiancee are either naked or in their underpants.
SARA: It might be fun. Are you going to play the guy?
ROB: Certainly not. We're going to get someone else.
SARA: Oh. Well, it still might be fun.
DAVID: No way.
SARA: Why not?

[She crosses over to the couch. David doesn't take his eyes off the screen yet.]

DAVID: Because we need someone hot to play the girl.
SARA: I'm hot.
DAVID: [laughs] No, seriously.
SARA: What? People tell me all the time that I should model.
DAVID: For who?
SARA: You don't think I'm hot enough?
ROB: Of course you're hot enough.
SARA: [to Rob] You have to say that.
ROB: But I really think that.
SARA: Anyway, I think you can use me. Do you want me to audition for you right now?
DAVID: I caught the matinee of that show earlier and was not impressed.
SARA: Oh, see, you didn't even see me get into it. I'm super hot when I'm actually having sex.
DAVID: Oh my God gross.
SARA: [leaning in closer to David] When I'm heaving and then I arch my back --
DAVID: Oh gross --
SARA: -- and I'm all moaning and whispering.

[She starts to moan, gasp and whisper PG-13-rated dirty things. Rob laughs but David has to turn off the TV to express his contempt.]

DAVID: That's disgusting! There is no way you are going to be in this movie. No way. I am NOT going to be forced to see my sister naked.
SARA: Again?
ROB: Stop being so weird about your sister. It's not her fault she's got a great body.
SARA: That almost sounded like you weren't sucking up.
DAVID: I've had to hear that from everyone since she got boobs. I'm tired of talking about it.
SARA: Ooh, who do you have to talk about it with? Anyone I know?
DAVID: When do you want to start writing this thing, Rob?
ROB: If you want to put a couple scenes down tonight, I'll write a couple scenes, too, and we can go over them tomorrow night or something after I get off work. Squibs is getting us a crew?
DAVID: Yeah, said he had a couple kids in mind.
SARA: All right. I guess I'm going to take a shower before work. Should I lock the door, David, or were you planning to come bursting in there, too?
DAVID: [gets up and throws the remote down on the couch] I'm going home.

[continued]

giants ... win?

We live in a world of uncertainty and chaos, of lightning strikes and rolls of the dice. This universe has no construct. I know this is true because I just watched a montage, set to Audioslave, of the New York Football Giants winning the Super Bowl over the, until now, undefeated New England Patriots.